Reflecting on regret and the moments that matter
I’ve done plenty of things I’m not proud of-things I’d do differently if I had my time again. But I don’t spend too much time dwelling on regret.
If I ever do reflect on what I regret in life, one moment always comes to mind. A seemingly small interaction with a colleague several years ago that still lingers with me today.
When someone says they have a problem-believe them
I was about six months sober when a colleague told me:
“My friend told me the other day she thinks she’s got a drinking problem, but I told her she was being silly. I’ve never seen anything that suggests she’s got a drinking problem.”
I didn’t like it at the time, but I just nodded and said nothing. And yet, years later, I still think about what I should have said.
If I could go back, I’d tell her this:
IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY HAVE A PROBLEM-BELIEVE THEM!
It’s not up to us to decide whether someone else has a drinking problem, an eating disorder, a gambling addiction, or any other personal struggle. Just because we haven’t witnessed it doesn’t mean it’s not real.
Maybe they drink alone, away from others.
Maybe they’re holding it together on the outside but are struggling inside.
Maybe their problem doesn’t look like what we think addiction should look like.
Maybe they feel out of control in ways we can’t see.
For them, it is a problem. And that’s what matters.
Why dismissing someone’s struggle can be harmful
When someone reaches out about a taboo issue like addiction, mental health, or compulsive behaviours, it often takes incredible courage. They may have debated opening up for months, or even years. They may have talked themselves out of it a hundred times before finally saying the words out loud.
To be dismissed in that moment-to be told they’re being silly-can be devastating.
And for an addict, external validation is an easy excuse to keep going.
Addiction convinces you that you’re fine. That you can keep drinking, gambling, or numbing without consequences. And when someone else reinforces that idea? It can be all the justification needed to continue down that path.
The bad advice I received when trying to stop drinking
Before I quit alcohol completely, I tried every way imaginable to control my drinking:
Counselling to help me moderate
Taking months off alcohol to reset
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)
Supplements and alternative remedies
And I received some truly terrible advice along the way-mostly from medical professionals.
“You might struggle with drinking, Clare, but you’re not an alcoholic-no way!” (Spoiler: she was wrong.)
“Hmm, not very economical.” - A comment from an NHS alcohol therapist after I told them I had started buying mini bottles of wine to try and regulate my drinking.
Not very economical?! Wow.
The power of listening, not judging
When someone opens up about a personal struggle, we don’t have to have all the answers. But we do have a responsibility to listen without judgment.
We don’t need to solve the problem.
We don’t need to give advice.
We just need to hold space for them to talk, to process, and to be heard.
And above all, we need to believe them.
If someone tells you they have a problem, trust that they know their own experience. Your belief might be the first step in them getting the help they need.
What’s the best piece of support or advice someone has given you when you opened up about a struggle? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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