I recently read about something called ‘The Millennial’s Curse.’
No, it’s not the permanent effects of plucking your eyebrows down to one line of hair—though that is also a curse. I wish I’d known I’d still be feeling the effects 20+ years later; I might have stepped away from the tweezers!
The term was actually used to describe Millennials’ inability to sit with, process, and healthily express messy, difficult feelings, which then leads to longer-term issues such as anxiety, depression, and relationship issues.
Our big emotions (especially the messy ones) are really useful cues to us to tell us when something is wrong, but as children (especially children of the 80s/90s), we were taught that big messy feelings were inappropriate and unacceptable. We were taught as children not to take up too much space, to be respectful and not to disrupt, which taught us that feelings outside the realm of ‘acceptability,’ such as tantrums, anger, and tears, are wrong. That we are wrong for feeling them, that we are broken or ‘other.’
So we tend to repress, ignore, or hide these feelings. It’s okay to be happy, calm, and excited (not too excited though!), but not sad (don’t cry! Don’t be silly! You’re fine, you’re okay!), and God forbid we be angry (what a disruptive, aggressive child!).
Our understanding of mental health and what we deem acceptable in society from children (and adults) is forever evolving, hopefully for the better, and no shade to parents of the 80s/90s because most of us are just doing our best with the tools and knowledge that we have. But I found I could resonate a lot with the idea of the ‘Millennial’s Curse.’
I’ve always learned to reframe hard feelings or jump straight to solutions mode, which has made me very driven and able to see the good in every situation—but it hasn’t left me very capable of sitting with and processing the hard stuff (hence the alcoholism and anxiety!).
So I’m currently on a quest to unlearn four decades of society and family telling me that big messy feelings aren’t okay. To try and lean into feelings, ALL of them (which is frankly quite terrifying).
I am learning that all feelings are welcome, that they all have a place, and that they do pass eventually like waves on a beach. When we sit with our feelings, process them, and communicate them in a compassionate way, we can move through them. When we repress our feelings, don’t tend to them properly, or give them the space they need, they manifest in long-term dysfunction—for me, that’s headaches, muscle pain, and chronic anxiety (and an addiction, of course!).
So with what I know now, when my daughter has a good old cry, I never tell her to stop or that she’s okay or that there’s nothing to cry about.
Because to her, there is, and if I’m honest, I find hugging her while she cries to be really cathartic for me, like I am giving the child in me the space to cry as well and feel that intensity of sadness that I struggle to connect with myself.
I will often say to her, ‘You let those feelings out, poppet. It’s okay to cry!’
I am now making a commitment to say the same to myself.
I love that by giving your daughter the space to feel her feelings, you are also giving that to yourself and allowing room for the grief that you didn’t have that until now.
I really notice that my parents still rush to minimise the messy, challenging feelings that come up. I’m not sure I’ve quite broken that habit, but this piece was a useful reminder to honour all the feelings.
This really resonated with me! I've always found it hard to just sit with my feelings and try and process them, often looking for a quick fix instead that will take them away. I'd never really thought of it before in the context of being taught as a child not to show too much emotion (or not to "show off" as I was often told not to do as a kid!) but it makes a lot of sense. Great blog.