I had to stage an intervention for myself

Not that long ago, I was having a really hard time.

I've been dealing with anxiety for most of my adult life. It's a fairly standard part of my life experience. Sometimes it's irritating, sometimes it's just a whisper and sometimes it's really debilitating.

There was a stretch where things got particularly intense. The kind of anxiety where it feels like you're constantly about to jump out of a plane.

The warning signs I ignored

Headaches. Bad sleep. Heart palpitations. Feeling ridiculously overwhelmed by the simplest of things. Having to stop doing things I actually wanted to do because my body just said no.

I'd also been noticing something underneath the anxiety. A low hum of 'what's the f**king point, nothing ever helps.' A sniff of depression.

And not to sound dramatic (!!) but an exhaustion to the very depths of my soul, that no amount of sleep could shift.

Burnt out. To a crisp!

Part of it was work. Part of it was everything else. Running your own business. Parenting. Navigating the world with an ADHD brain. Trying to keep a house tidy and clean (that seems to immediately become messy and dirty again). A daughter, four dogs, a cat and a snake (ha yes we have a snake!)

Trying to keep on top of the constant, relentless labour of just keeping a life going, all whilst carrying the additional loads that are neurodivergence, mental illness and chronic physical pain.

The wall

One evening, nothing dramatic happened. I just hit a wall. I could NOT carry on doing whatever it is I was doing. I said to my husband how much I was struggling. And then I went to bed, because I had nothing else to give.

The next morning I actually woke up with a little bit of fire in my belly. I felt determined.

I needed a proper break. Not a day off. Not a quieter week. Something drastic. A real circuit breaker to try and interrupt the pattern I was experiencing.

Booking the trip

Ideally I needed a month away from everything. But let's be realistic, maybe a few days would help. My lovely husband encouraged me, so I checked my calendar, found a window, and just did it.

I booked a trip to Lagos in the Algarve.

There was guilt, of course. There's always guilt. Spending money. Leaving my daughter. Going alone. The standard operating system of a woman and a mother who has been taught by society that their own needs come last.

I went anyway. Guilt be damned.

Watching a kite

I spent a lot of time wandering around the old town. Floating in the pool. I went on a dolphin watching boat trip, sat in the square with a mocktail and listened to live music, got a massage, went to bed early and re-watched Supernatural on my phone. I walked along the coastline and napped on the beach. I sat on my roof terrace and stared at the view. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

At one point, I watched a kite in the sky for about an hour. Just watched it. No phone. No work. No parenting. Just me and an orange kite. No lie, I was gutted when they pulled in that kite. I was having a lovely time just watching it and zoning out.

An essential reminder

It wasn't a magic fix. I didn't come back a new zen woman. But it gave me distance. It gave my nervous system a few days to start recovering. It gave me space to actually think about what I need and what I don't in my day to day life.

And it reminded me that I am allowed to take a break. To prioritise myself. To give myself space.

It's easy to say that taking a break meant I could come back and work better, be a better mother, a better wife, blah blah blah. But you don't have to do these things to be a better anything for someone else. You can do them just to feel better for yourself.

So if you are second guessing taking a break, or putting a boundary in place, or just giving yourself some compassion:

Push through the guilt and go for it! If you're the person everyone relies on and you're waiting for permission to stop, this is it.

If you want to talk about building sustainable performance into your team or organisation before it gets to crisis point, get in touch.

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