The illusion of control and how it fuels stress and burnout

I have been thinking a lot about control recently. Or more specifically, the illusion of control, and how much energy I waste pretending I have more influence than I actually do.

Earlier this month I delivered a keynote on creating a successful mindset. While I was talking through the circles of control with the audience, it dawned on me that I was not living the lesson I teach so often. Focus your time and energy on what you can control and let go of the rest. Simple to say. Much harder to practise, especially when stress and overwhelm creep in.

One book that captures this beautifully is Oliver Burkeman’s 4,000 Weeks. He reminds us that an average human life lasts around 4,000 weeks. Even if we spent all our time on things we genuinely wanted to do, we would still never fit everything in. And that is before we add the hours we lose worrying about things we cannot influence. The weather, the economy, global politics, other people’s opinions. Most of it sits completely outside our control and fuels unnecessary stress.

One question that helps reduce stress

I have started using a simple question whenever I notice myself spiralling into unhelpful thoughts. Maybe it is a rude email. Maybe it is replaying a conversation for the tenth time. I pause and ask myself: is this a helpful train of thought?

Our brains are wired to spot threats. Evolution did not prepare us for inboxes, traffic jams or the constant noise of modern work. The amygdala reacts as though every irritation is a danger. The body moves into fight or flight, stress hormones rise, and suddenly something tiny feels enormous.

The good news is that the brain can be retrained. The more we consciously notice the positives, opportunities and moments of joy, the more we strengthen neural pathways that help us spot what is good rather than scanning for danger. This is not toxic positivity. It is grounding ourselves in what is steady and true while still feeling our difficult emotions.

What I am doing differently to avoid burnout

I now end my day by listing what I have achieved instead of everything I have not. I realised I was closing my laptop already in a negative mindset. Adding to my “done” list helps me recognise what I have completed and reduces the narrative of never being enough.

It is a quiet antidote to burnout. Burnout thrives when we convince ourselves that nothing we do is ever good enough. Shifting the story to “I have achieved a lot today” changes the tone entirely.

This idea comes from Lucy Hone’s powerful TED talk on resilience. She explains that resilient people understand that adversity is part of life. Yet we are often sold the idea that if we are not happy all the time, we are failing. In reality, accepting that life has highs and lows makes us far more content and stops us fighting reality.

https://www.ted.com/talks/lucy_hone_the_three_secrets_of_resilient_people

The stories we tell ourselves

I have a huge imagination and it loves to run wild. Someone sends a short email and suddenly I have created an entire narrative where they are annoyed with me. One tiny thing becomes a whole story where I am the villain or the victim or both.

So now I try to cross examine my thoughts.

• What is the story I am telling myself?

• Where is the actual evidence?

Ninety percent of the time there is none. It is pure imagination.

What if, instead of handing someone else the remote control to your emotions, you took it back? What if you decided how you respond, whether you let something ruin your day or not?

So where is your energy going? What narratives are shaping how you feel? And what is one small mindset shift you could make today?

For me, it is remembering to pause and question whether a narrative is a) true and b) helpful.

Then choosing the slightly kinder option. One choice at a time.

For more tips on how to cope with stress and prevent burnout listen to my podcast episode here.

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